Detours of Life

Posted on by lohm_ope_1
We often experience unexpected detours in our lives. Situations that we couldn’t have predicted or adequately prepare for. Losses we didn’t see coming… so how do we deal with such situations when we encounter them?
Few weeks ago, as I made my way to work after the school runs, I was in a hurry to get to work in time for a meeting. I was on my usual route, when I suddenly noticed a roadblock as I approached a major junction. An accident had just occurred and the Police had blocked off the road. I panicked. I knew no other route. It wasn’t an area I was familiar with. And I had to make a decision quickly because cars were starting to pile up, traffic light had changed. Do I turn left or right?
  • My instincts said to turn left
  • The cars ahead of me turned left
I followed them still panicking, but trusting that they must somehow be familiar with this route.
I tried to get my phone out of my bag so I could use google maps, alas that was a challenge and I couldn’t find the most appropriate place to park on the narrow lanes, so I kept following the cars in front until eventually I got my phone out, placed it on the windscreen and voila ready to follow Google maps instructions.
My mind was now at peace, some of the cars I was following had veered off a different path, some were still ahead but I was now comfortable with a guide right in my car. Eventually I found myself back on my usual route and I made it to work just in time.
Whilst on the motorway, I pondered on the range of emotions I felt during this detour and I could somewhat relate it to the loss of a loved one.
  • First I was concerned about those involved in the accident, then
  • I got angry that my plans had been changed
  • I felt lost on the narrow lanes, anxious I didn’t know which way to turn and what laid ahead of the routes I had taken not out of choice, I was also worried I’d be very late to work
  • Happy when I found my phone which gave me clear directions and I found myself back on the usual route
  • Relieved I made it to work just in time.
How did I cope with this unexpected detour?
  • By following my instincts
  • Following others who appear to have either had similar experiences in the past or at least familiar with the area
  • Getting out my map .
The Bible is our GPS when faced with unexpected turns in life. Stay calm and trust God to lead you. He can bring others your way too, to hold your hand through it all, especially those who have also had similar life experiences.
I now know a new route to work should I face another diversion. That’s the thing about life, we learn from our experiences and we are better equipped for the future.
Despite the detour, I made it to work. Despite your detours in life, God can still get you to your expected end according to His will and purpose for you.
So next time, you face a ‘detour’ in life, STAY CALM and TRUST the greatest tour guide.

Blessings x

{Image courtsey of Jamie Street_Unsplash}

12 Lessons I Learnt on Grief from Tobiloba Ajayi

Posted on by lohm_ope_1
Tobilola Ajayi was a speaker at the Rising Event – “When Life Goes Low, We Rise Up!”, hosted by Mrs Bola Essien-Nelson in Nigeria.
Tobiloba shared from her experience of grief over the years, especially losing her mum, her main caregiver at a young age. Tobiloba is a writer, a lawyer and an advocate for those living with disabilities. She is the founder of “The Let CP Children Learn Project”, which promotes mainstream education for children with Cerebral Palsy in Nigeria ( https://letcpkidslearn.com/)
Here are the key messages I learnt from Tobi’s talk at Rising, please feel free to share them with others.
  • Life is extremely short, no time for pettiness. No time for squabbling. Make the most of your time on earth.
  • You cannot afford to live by the opinion/expectation of others. The only person whose opinion matters is God.
  • Get over your self. Focus! Life is too short to be thinking of yourself. Think about how you can make a difference to others
  • Don’t allow anyone to legislate your grief. Grieve on your own timeline. We can and should question God. Express yourself openly to Him.
  • No experience in life is wasted. God can use it for your good, for His glory, to help others
  • Death is not the end of the journey. It’s a rest stop, so no need to be afraid of death
  • Your body is dust. You should be more concerned of your soul
  • God is not an egocentric Father. He’s not taking you through this journey for His own glory, but for others, for the generations to come…
  • He comforts you so you can go ahead and comfort others.
  • Don’t short circuit your grief process
  • We receive healing by faith
  • It is okay to cry and grieve, Jesus wept!
I hope this encourages you on your journey of faith and hope.
Blessings,
Ope x

What I learnt from Cancer Patients in Remission!

Posted on by lohm_ope_1

As you may (or may not) be aware I work in the Pharma industry, specifically in clinical research.

 

I had hoped to become a Physician but I didn’t quite make the grades. Anyhow, I strongly believe my steps were ordered into this field, as I still get to make a difference in the lives of many patients – something I’m very passionate about.

 

Some months ago, we had some patients share their experience of coping with the diagnosis of cancer… the journey from discovery of signs and symptoms to diagnosis, from starting treatment (gruesome in some cases) to going into remission.

 

Listening to their stories, I couldn’t help drawing parallels between their journey and that of dealing with grief:

 

  1. The initial shock, the feeling of numbness and accepting (or denying) what is really happening.
  2. The love, support and care you get in those early stages and how you are then left to just deal with your loss – the emotional roller-coaster.
  3. Finally accepting your ‘lot‘ in life and trying to come to terms with this. We all cope differently, some wanting to just carry on with life like nothing had changed, almost kind of living in denial and others joining patient support groups so they can share their experience with others.

 

2 major things struck a chord with me as they shared their experiences;

  1. They were all so passionate about wanting to help others who are on a similar path. They are keen to make life easier in their own way for the next cancer patient. The truth is no one can relate more to your experience than someone who has walked in the same or similar shoes.
  2. A number of them had this experience of ‘crash and burn’.  They had not fully come to terms with what had happened, and were more or less on auto-pilot until they eventually crashed when all the support around suddenly stopped or diminished.

 

You may wonder why I’m sharing this with you!

 

Well, my parents did not die of cancer, however I am convinced more than ever the impact we can have on others by sharing our stories of hope and resilience.

 

I am convinced that we need to support those grieving in our communities not just in the immediate weeks or months after their loss but for as long as they require support.

 

And that is why I have set-up Letters of Hope, not only to encourage those who are grieving, but to help those in their circles support them better.

 

If you need help/guidance as a bereaved person or as a caring individual wanting to support your loved ones – please send an email to hello@lettersofhope.org.uk

 

If you’d like to share your own Story of Hope, then I’d love to hear from you too, please send an email to hello@lettersofhope.org.uk and you’ll get a response within 48hrs.

 

#BeEncouraged,

Ope

 

Abi’s Story of Hope

Posted on by lohm_ope_1

Every now and then I share someone else’s bereavement journey on this platform, to encourage others who may have only just loved a lost one, or perhaps it’s not a recent bereavement but you need support.

The emotions of grief often come in cycles and may never go away entirely, however one can find the strength to face each new day with its challenges.

Reading about other people’s experience of loss often remind us that we are not alone and there is indeed hope for tomorrow.

This month, another brave friend of mine openly shares her experience of grief. We met at a wedding almost 4 yrs ago and immediately connected as we were both pregnant at the time. She had travelled from the States for this wedding in England, UK and we stayed in touch afterwards.  We have since become prayer and bible study partners, our friendship has indeed blossomed.

I pray her journey encourages you and builds your faith in God.

 

1. Please tell us about yourself, the person you lost, your relationship with them?

My name is Abby and I am married with 3 children.

 

 

I lost my Mom when I was 3 years old and had to relocate from the U.S to Nigeria to live with my paternal grandmother from the age 4 to 10. I don’t think I had a close relationship with my mom because she spent a considerable time in hospital and I was still a child when she died.

 

2. Describe how you felt in the early stages of grief and in subsequent weeks, months, perhaps years?

The first 2 years of living with my grandmother and other relatives was okay, until life got really tough. As a child, I did not enjoy my childhood and I felt if my mum was alive, I would not have to go through any of the circumstances I experienced. I cried a lot and asked God why. The tough and unbearable situations in my life pushed me to seek God and I am glad I found him. God has taken me to places beyond my expectation and I give him all the glory.

 

3. What was your greatest or most helpful resource in getting through the tough days and/or nights?

I gave my life to Christ when I was 15 years old and that changed everything. I had more issues then, but with God on my side, I overcame. It was a lonely journey as I am the only child from my Mom and Dad and I went from living with my grandmother to living with uncle and aunties. Prayer, especially praying in the spirit, reading the word like my life depends on it and few family and friends helped me through the tough situation. Most of the people I spoke to then did not understand my problem (it was complex) and therefore could not help.

I would pray in the spirit when I did not understand and instead of asking God why. The word of God became my guidance and the Holy Spirit is always there to comfort me. God gave me a lot of promises in his word which I hold on to.

 

4. Do you still have tough days/nights now and how do you get through these?

My life now is better than the past. Whatever I go through now is absolutely nothing compared to when I was younger. I have learned a lot, God has changed me from a bitter person to a forgiving and loving woman. I have learned to take all my problems to God. I have learn to forgive and know that all things will work together for my good. I know God is still working on me and I look forward to the finished product.

 

5. If you could leave an encouraging message for someone that has just recently lost a loved one, what would that be?

I want you to know that God LOVES YOU, I mean HE truly loves you and he has a plan for you no matter what you are going through. Don’t allow circumstances to make you doubt HIS love for you. I want you to know that you are not a mistake and if you are patient enough, you will experience HIS great plan for you and HIS GLORY. Jeremiah 29:11

Ask God to heal your mind of every hurts and restore all that you have lost to you. Ask for the grace to forgive and move on. Your future is better than what you can imagine, just relax and walk with God on HIS PLAN for your life.

 

God truly loves us ALL.

Sharing our stories can be a means of healing, it can unite us with others and help us cope with our grief.  If you’d like to share your own story of loss and hope, please do get in touch by emailing hello@lettersofhope.org.uk

 

Be Encouraged x

Keeping Memories Alive

Posted on by lohm_ope_1

These gorgeous earrings were recreated from my mum’s beautiful set of jewellery. My eldest sister came up with this amazing idea and she found someone in Lagos, Nigeria to help make us all something beautiful from my mum’s old collections.

 

Every time I put these on, fond memories of my sweet mum come flooding back.

So recently, I’ve been doing some research on what can be done with personal items of loved ones who have died, here are some examples I found online (Click link for images Keeping Memories Alive )

  • Pillows made from Husband’s swimming trunks
  • Memory bears made from shirts 
  • Necktie treasures

These are merely suggestions, as I always say, do what you feel comfortable with and when you’re ready to let go. Only YOU will know the appropriate time.

My mum died in Nigeria, and there was only so much of her stuff we could bring over. In fact to be honest, it took a few good years to go through all her personal items and decide what we wanted to keep, give away to other relatives who would cherish her things and of course some were given to charities..We’ve also kept some of my mum’s items just as they are, no need to ‘upcycle’ .

The other day I was in one of my sisters house and I needed something to use as a baby carrier, she brought out this old ‘wrapper’ and I knew straightaway it was my mum’s. I hadn’t seen it in years and it brought back fond memories. I also have this headscarf I use occasionally, the first time my hubby saw it, he suggested getting a new one, I gave him the look of “this ain’t going anywhere”, until I explained that it had sentimental value.

So in summary, you can keep things as they are, recreate/upcycle as something else (blanket, jewellery, teddy bears, cushion covers, whatever you fancy). Do make sure you find a reliable vendor if recreating something new – so they don’t end up ruining your loved one’s items.

If you have other suggestions,  please feel free to leave a comment below 

Celebrating a loved one’s posthumous birthday

Posted on by lohm_ope_1

September 24th 2017 would have been my mum’s 80th Birthday.

 

I am certain that if she was still here with us, we would have had some form of celebration, either a big event or a small family gathering.  As it happened to be on a Sunday this year, it’s more likely we would have had a thanksgiving service at church followed by a small reception, her friends and aburos (Yoruba word for younger ones) would have ‘turned up’. Talking about friends, we  (my siblings and I) have lost touch with her friends over the years, many of whom would have also passed away….

So going back to my post, how do you celebrate your loved one’s posthumous birthday, especially if it’s a special milestone?

From my experience, I think it’s easier in the early years, okay maybe ‘easier’ is not the most appropriate choice of word. Of-course your emotions are still quite raw in those early years and their birth date only serves as a reminder of your loss, it evokes your pain, the hurt and anger you seem to have hidden or buried within yourself, but perhaps because of all these feelings, it’s easier to remember to mark their memory and celebrate them in some way, if you can find the strength to do so.

However, I must admit that for me, as the years have rolled by (it has been 24 years since my mum’s death), I have often forgotten to ‘mark’ the day. One year, I completely missed the date and I beat myself up about it, it took me  a few weeks to get over my ‘forgetfulness’, another year… I just let it go..

So this year, I thought to do something a little different. I wanted to reach out to bereaved children in schools and support them. I got the courage to call up my high school in Manchester and asked to donate copies of ‘Letters of Hope – Encouragement for the Bereaved Child’ and the accompanying journal to bereaved children in the school.  I was extremely nervous about calling, and felt a huge sense of relief as well as fulfillment when the conversation ended.  The chaplain I spoke to was delighted that I wanted to give back to the school and support others on their bereavement journey.

My mum’s memory lives on through each copy of my book and journal. I chose to celebrate her this year by donating copies of my book and journal to the 1st school I attended in England when I relocated from my home country – Nigeria.  You too can choose to celebrate your loved one’s memory in a unique way, that is meaningful and special to you.  Here are some suggestions of what you could do:

  1. Donate to {or volunteer your time to} a charity linked to their death
  2. Have a small gathering with close friends and family, perhaps light a candle in memory of your loved one and have their picture at a focal point in your home.
  3. Bake their favourite cake.  This may be cathartic and you also have yourself a treat. 
  4. Spend time alone,  you may choose to visit their grave or  a place of worship
  5. Do absolutely nothing…

Remember to be yourself and do only what YOU are comfortable doing, not what you think people expect you to do.

Sending you warm hugs.

Be Encouraged x

 

(P:S – If you know someone approaching a loved one’s birthday and you’d like to send them an encouraging note and a gift pack, please drop me an email at hello@lettersofhope.org.uk)

 

{Image courtesy of Sharon Chen_Unsplash}

Thoughts from ‘The Shack’

Posted on by lohm_ope_1

I can’t recall when I first heard about ‘The Shack’, but it was definitely on #socialmedia. Someone must have recommended the book and I decided to read a sample first on kindle before ordering my paper copy. I got hooked on the short sample and bought my paper copy in less than 24hrs. Within a few days, I had finished reading the book 🙂 

 

 

The Shack by WM Paul Young is a deep read.  The novel (yes it’s fictional) covers several themes related to the world we live in and our relationship with God…. God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit.

However, this blogpost will be focusing on some of the themes around ‘Grief’ highlighted in the book.

I hope you find this post helpful as you journey through your loss 🙂

***********************************************************************************************************

  • Grief and Guilt – Irrespective of the circumstances surrounding the death of our loved one, we often have feelings of guilt. I have experienced this myself and heard of similar feelings from both adults and children. We feel guilty of laughing and enjoying ourselves or moving on… for many reasons. Perhaps because we blame ourselves for the death of our loved ones, even when there’s absolutely nothing we could have done to prevent their death. Sometimes we think others expect us to mourn for a prolonged period of time. Often times, we put ourselves under this unnecessary pressure that will only result in more pain. Then we get lost and confused with all these emotions, not knowing where to turn. If you’re going through this right now, Be Encouraged! Know that you’re not alone, you’re not strange, but realize that your feeling of guilt will not bring your loved one back and it’s time to lean on God and open up to Him. Allow God to set you free from the bondage of guilt.

 

*Weep Weep Weep as often as you’d like. Jesus himself wept when his friend died! Let your tears flow freely,weep without embarrassment…weep and let the tension within you drain away. Don’t ever discount the wonder of your tears, they can be healing waters and a stream of joy. Sometimes they are the best words the heart can speak*. 

 

  • Loss and God’s plan. God doesn’t need evil to accomplish His good purposes.  However He can indeed work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies.  He can bring life out of death, freedom out of brokenness and He alone can turn darkness into light.  So when we struggle to understand what is happening around us, rather than blaming God or pushing him away, we should learn to embrace His love. 

In the midst of our pain, God is with us, even when we are living in fear. He never leaves us even for a second. That initial feeling of shock when we lose a loved one, either expected or unexpectedly, God is with us – through it all. It’s strange that when we least ‘feel’ the presence of God, is when He is actually close by, ready and willing to shower us with His love. My prayer for anyone going through this right now, is that the Holy Spirit will wrap himself around you and comfort you through this difficult time and that you feel and experience His presence 

 

  • Grief and Personal Identity. Some people find their identity and worry in their brokenness. They are defined by the tragedies they have encountered and they guard it with every ounce of strength. There comes a stage in your journey when you are no longer defined by your past. Yes, it’s a part of who you are, but you no longer carry the burden of grief on your shoulder. This time will differ for each individual. But yes – there will come a day when you can walk into each day without the despair that may have sucked the colours of life out of everything. Personally, I find it strange to refer to myself as an orphan – yes it’s a fact that both my parents are deceased but using that label attracts a certain kind of sympathy, maybe even pity which I am uncomfortable with. Your identity should be in your maker, your creator…do not let your circumstances define you as they are only temporary. Perhaps it’s time to ask the question…’Who am I?’ or maybe ‘Why am I here?’ (I recommend reading – The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren).

 

  • The heart of our healing is relationship! Relationship with God (the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit) & relationship with each other.  Life with/without challenges works better with God at the Center of it. We can’t do life alone, especially when coping with the loss of a loved one. Some folks try with all kinds of coping mechanisms  and mental games but the monsters are still there, just waiting for the chance to come out.

Life and living is in Him and in no other!  And then God works His awesome wonder through angels in the form of human beings, hence why it is important we stay connected and not isolate ourselves when grieving.

 

If you’d like to chat to someone about your loss, please email hello@lettersofhope and I will get back to you as soon as I can.

 

Stay strong x

 

(Image courtesy of Timothy Eberley on Unsplash)

4 Special Ways of Celebrating the Memory of your loved one

Posted on by lohm_ope_1

So last week, on the anniversary of my mum’s death, I spent the evening with one of my sisters and her family, enjoying a yummy bowl of puff-puff (A Nigerian snack similar to doughnut).

We looked through some old photographs and shared memories of both our mum and dad. It was a lovely time, just chilling and reminiscing.

We don’t do this every year, but every now and then, it’s nice to do something different to celebrate the memories of your loved ones.

Here are some suggestions of what you could do on this special day:

  • Have a Party – Most people love a good party. You don’t need to do anything elaborate, simply invite your close friends and family members.  When my dad passed on, my mum would celebrate his anniversary each year by having a time of prayer at home and cooking a special Nigerian delicacy, known as ‘akara’ (a dish made from peeled beans and fried in vegetable oil or palm oil). As well as treating our visitors to this meal, I had the pleasure of distributing to our neighbours. Most families would say a word of prayer for me as I went knocking on their doors to deliver this meal.

 

  • Photo Album/Book – This can either be an online album or a printed book to help share memories. The pictures are also helpful for starting a conversation about your loved one. When I think of my own family and that my children never got to meet their maternal grandparents, having an album would certainly help to talk about my parents in the future. Due to personal circumstances, I have limited pictures but I make the most of these. For example, on our mantle piece we have a picture of my mother-in-law and my mum, which will hopefully help them to make the link when the time is right.

 

  • Visit a memorable place – Every now and then, you could spend time in a place that brings back warm memories of your loved one. You may even choose to take some flowers to their graveside if this is possible.  My parents are buried in a different country to where I leave and nearly all my memories of them are in a different country, so this is not really an option for me, except when I visit my home country.

 

  • Sharing Stories – This is one of my favourite things to do. I love recalling past events with my older brother, we’d call each other up or send a message saying “oh do you remember when mum did this …”. We didn’t do this as much in the early years, perhaps because our grief was very ‘raw’, however as time went on and especially as we started our families, we felt more at ease recalling these memories, and I must confess they are heartwarming – very rarely have they made me sob.  The best part of sharing stories is that you can do this in the comfort of your home, over the phone, you don’t need to have a ‘pity party’ or make any travel arrangements.

 

How do you celebrate the memories of your loved ones? Do you have a special family ritual? There are no rules about how you do this, what is important is you do what is right for you!

Feel free to share your ideas in the comments.

With Love,

Ope

When you don’t know what to say or do?

Posted on by lohm_ope_1

When someone close to us, for example, a friend, a relative, a work colleague or an acquaintance, lose a loved one through death, we are often lost for words. 

I have lost count of the number of times I have heard people say …

 

“I just don’t know what to say”… so guess what they do, they stay away. They avoid their grieving friend, for fear of saying the ‘wrong’ thing or causing them to breakdown in tears. 

What I know from personal experience is – what you do is often more important than what you say. 

Here are 5 simple things you can do to support a grieving friend/colleague/relative:  

  1. Do call them if you can, you’d be surprised that they may end up doing more talking than you. Sometimes a grieving person just needs someone to listen.
  2. Send a text message if you can’t call or you’re not sure how to handle the silence or emotions over the phone.
  3. Just show up and give them a warm hug. Nobody refuses a hug at such difficult times. Sometimes your physical touch can be more consoling than any words you utter. 
  4. Show up bearing gifts. If the person lives alone and you’re close by, I strongly recommend checking on them every now and then. 
  5. Send a card that captures your heart and/or a gift of hope.

You can order a Hope Box from www.lettersofhope.org.uk, or send an email to hello@lettersofhope.org.uk for a bespoke gift package.

All our gift-boxes include a sympathy/encouragement card, with the option of including your personalized message.

*Follow Letters of Hope Instagram account or  Facebook page where I’ll be sharing next week, 5 text messages of sympathy you can send to a grieving friend.*

 

{Image courtesy of Unsplash}

Inspiration from ‘Diana Our Mother’

Posted on by lohm_ope_1

Last night, after I finally got both kids to bed AND asleep, I caught up with the ITV documentary –#DianaOurMother
(Still available on ITV player for those in the U.K if interested)

 

The first thing that caught my attention, was the lovely happy memories the Princes have of their mum!
I was inspired to create happy memories for my own children to look back on, in years to come. It’s so easy to get caught up with household tasks, 9-5 responsibilities, mission work, and not actually spend quality time having FUN with the children God has gifted us with.

 

One of my favourite moments watching the documentary, was when Prince William said ” I give thanks that I was lucky enough to be her son and know her for the 15 years that I did,” he continues. “She set us up really well. She gave us the right tools, and has prepared us well for life not obviously knowing what was going to happen.”  That is so true of my own mum too, very grateful to God for bringing me forth into this world through a very special woman!

 

I admire Prince William’s attitude of gratitude even whilst still grieving the loss of his mum.

In ALL things let’s remember to give thanks 🙏

#BeEncouraged
#KeepMemoriesAlive
#Inspirationalstories
#StoriesofHope
#attitudeofgratitude
#intentionalparenting